Boys will be boys

Kid3 idolizes his big sister.  He absolutely adores both Kid1 and Kid2, but Kid1 is the sibling he most wants to be like.  So it wasn't that big a surprise when he started asking to watch The Little Mermaid when we offered to turn on a movie - it's one of her favorites, and she's one of his favorites.

The other day, Kid3 came up to me holding Sleeping Beauty, and asked to watch it.  I turned it on and chuckled to myself at my rough-and-tumble boy who loves princess movies.

About 10 minutes into the movie, he turned to me and said as indignantly as a two year old can "NO, Mama. Dis movie not good.  Where da dwagon and lava go?"

Upon second glance at the movie cover, he was interested in the dragons and fire, not the princess.

Boys will be boys, I guess.

We turned on The Little Mermaid instead.

Who knew?

I've been working nights almost the entire time I've been a nurse.  I always said I'd work nights forever but this little thing called insomnia turned out to be a pretty big deal, and I've been working days for 3 weeks now and I feel like I have a new job.

I said repeatedly that I felt like switching to day shift would make me like my job less, and my time off more. I was right about the time off, but what's been a pleasant surprise is that I was dead wrong about the job. I am so much happier! I feel much more helpful and effective as a nurse when my patients aren't absolutely exhausted and would rather sleep than hear any advice I've got to give on getting through labor.

My kids are happier too.  The older kids have both commented that I seem to be happier, and I feel like it's true. I love that my days off are actually days off - I'm not spending every second of my time at home trying to catch up on sleep. I got up this morning and went to the store to buy a couple of items we needed, and although I'm not a big fan of Walmart, that's what was open at 6:30 this morning and you know, at that hour Walmart isn't bad. The shelves were stocked, the lines were short, the parking lot was nearly empty. I was home by 8AM and have made cookies, washed laundry, given myself a manicure, and spent plenty of time playing with the kids, snuggling Kid4, and trying (unsuccessfully) to convince her that Tummy Time is not the Worst Thing Ever.

Added bonus - In the 4 years since I graduated nursing school, I've gained a lot of weight. Which is partly to do with the two pregnancies since then, but it turns out that maybe some of it was working nights, too. In the 3 weeks since I started sleeping every night and not eating "lunch" at 2am, I've lost 8 pounds - enough to encourage me to try to lose a little more. I didn't do anything to lose those 8 pounds, except not work nights! Score!

Vacation, sort of.

One nice thing about living only a few hours from family is that it's close enough to visit on a regular basis, but far enough that going to visit passes as a vacation for my kids.

This weekend Kid1 and Kid2 are visiting at Grandma's house a few hours away. I dropped them off this morning, and this afternoon I've been hanging out with Kid3 and Kid4.  My big kids are convinced they are on vacation this weekend. I'm becoming convinced that I'm on vacation with the Littles this weekend, too!  Managing just the two of them has been almost ridiculously easy compared to managing all 4 (which is getting easier but is still pretty challenging!) and I'm honestly feeling just a tiny bit annoyed about it.

When I just had Kid1 and Kid2, it was SO HARD.  It was so, so hard! It was hard to entertain the toddler while breastfeeding the baby. It was hard to figure out how to give the toddler a bath when the baby was awake.  It was hard to manage a trip to the park. It was hard. And Kid1 was a much easier toddler than Kid3 but I've done all those things today without really even thinking about it, until I sat down and thought to myself "what the heck did I do with all my time when I only had two? This is so easy!" But it wasn't easy, when they were all I had. It was so hard that nursing school felt a little bit like a vacation at times (and if you know a nurse, just ask them how similar nursing school is to a vacation. But don't do it while they're eating because they might choke when they start laughing hysterically at you.)

It's a little unfair that you don't realize how easy it is to have one kid, or two, or three, until you add another one. I'm certain that if Hell were to freeze over and we had another baby, four would suddenly seem so easy - but it's hard enough that just the IDEA of adding one more makes me feel just a little bit nauseated.  I wish I'd known how easy it was to only have 2. And I'm realizing that I should try to keep in mind how easy it is to have 4, with a supportive husband, a comfortable home, and a level of confidence in myself as a mom that I definitely didn't have when Kid2 was wee.

But I'm still thankful for my "vacation weekend".

Doing it all

This is my second week back to work, and we're still definitely getting into the swing of things.  The laundry has piled up a little and we're not seeing our friends as often as I would like, but things are okay.

My first week back, I worked nights.  I've been working nights for more than 3 years and for a really long time, swore I'd never work day shift.  A while back, though, I realized I wasn't sleeping well at all and decided to request to transfer to days after all.  I expected to transfer as soon as I came back from maternity leave but because of a staffing shortage I needed to work one last week of night shift when I came back.

I can't believe how tired I was. How crabby and exhausted.  I felt physically ill when I came home from my first night shift, and even worse after sleeping about 6 hours during the day.  I felt groggy and achy and nauseated and just truly sick. I must have felt the same way after all my night shifts before I went on maternity leave, too, but it wasn't such an abrupt change then and so I just didn't realize how truly awful I felt.

It was a huge relief to move to day shift this week.  It's harder in some ways - the unit is much busier during the day, no question! It's harder to be away from Kid4 knowing that she's not just sleeping, she's awake and playing and being adorable.  It's harder to be away from Kid3, too, and he's having a rough time with the adjustment.  Kid2 and Kid1, honestly, are just plain happy. They know that when I was so exhausted I didn't have as much patience with them, and saw the difference once I was getting enough sleep, so they're just happy that I'm working a normal schedule now and have more energy and more patience - which means more fun for them! - on my days off.

It's definitely a change, and it will take some getting used to, but I think it's a good change.

(Terrible) Twos

With both Kid1 and Kid2, the "terrible twos" were really not so bad.  For years, I said that the "terrible twos" were named that by someone who just hadn't met a 3 year old yet.

And then we had Kid3.  Who is now 2, and takes being two Very Very Seriously.

He climbs on the table.

He throws things.

He yells the word "NO" with zeal.

And he is so, so sweet.

He loves his baby sister.  I was so nervous about how he would transition to being a Big Brother instead of the baby of the family, and he has proved my every concern to be unfounded. He's gentle with her, he loves to hug her and snuggle her, he gets concerned when she cries.  He is a model big brother.I'm not convinced he is aware that The Baby is a person, and not just an interesting toy, but he is so sweet and gentle with her. It's wonderful.

But he is so, so two.  He climbs on the couch and crows "Ookit me, Mama!" He's so proud of what he can do.

He's picked up on the fact that I'll tell the older kids "open the crackers for him" or "get Kid3's cup for him please" and so when he asks for help with something, he'll phrase it the same way.  "Give a bottle him?" he says, when he wants a sippy cup.  "Turn on a movie him?" He says, when he wants to watch Wall-E or The Lion King (his current favorites).

He can be such a handful, but he's so cute and so sweet.  His 2's have been a lot more difficult than Kid1 or Kid2, but he's so cute that it's not so terrible, anyway.

Back to reality.

I have one week left of maternity leave before I head back to work. This is the hardest part, honestly - the anticipation of -gasp- leaving my baby!! I know she'll be fine. She'll be home with Daddy! I actually think it's very, very good and healthy for my children to spend so much time with Daddy - it makes it very clear to them that fathers are just as able (and just as responsible) to care for their kids as mothers are. I like to think that maybe our house work and other work juggling sets a good example for our kids, that marriage is a partnership and that raising kids, having a job/career, cooking dinner, and playing at the park are not solely the realm of either Mom or Dad but can be done by both, or shared.

Anyway, stepping off my soapbox.  I'm nervous about heading back to work, for no particular reason and for lots of reasons. I've done it before, but that was night shift - and I'll be working days now. I think it will actually make my life hugely better to be working days, but it feels like more time away from the kids (it isn't, actually, if anything it's less because I won't feel like I need to spend every spare second trying to catch up on sleep) and is intimidating in a rather general sense.  It's sort of like starting a new job - I know all the people, I know my way around the unit and I know what I'm doing, but it's a matter of getting used to the "flow" of the shift and of the unit, which of course will be different during the day than it is at night.

I'm just feeling a little sad that my leave - and time in general - are going so fast. It seems like every year passes faster than the one before. I know that things just get more and more fun and wonderful with my kids, and I know that I would not be happy as a stay-home mom long-term (I did it and was miserable!), and I know that my children are happy and lucky to be at home with Daddy when I'm at work, and I know that Kid4 will be just fine.  She's just SO little, and I think the bottom line is that going back to work means I have to share her more, and I'm not quite ready yet.

Reflux.

I have a strong belief that my kids get together and plot. As soon as I think I've got one parenting issue down pat, they change things up on me and I have to figure it out again.  They also tend to do this whenever I make the mistake of claiming that I know what I'm doing.

I fully intended to write a "family newsletter" and send it out with Christmas cards last year, and did write a letter but never ordered or sent Christmas cards. Something about being hugely pregnant and beyond exhausted (pregnancy-related insomnia plus regular insomnia plus working night shift = no rest for the weary) sort of got in the way.  So I edited the letter a little to add in a paragraph about Kid4, and sent it out with her birth announcements. In that paragraph, I mentioned that she was an easy and laid-back baby.

So it shouldn't really have surprised me when a few days later she started screaming - not crying, screaming - for several hours in the evening, and spitting up more often after nursing.

But it did surprise me. And worry me. Because I may know less about having children now than I did when I had no children, but I know that my baby screaming inconsolably for hours is not normal. I thought it was either colic or reflux, and we did everything we could think of to treat it at home, but finally we decided to take her to the doctor. None of the other kids have had reflux or colic, so we had no experience with what was going on and wanted to make sure we weren't missing something serious (or obvious).

So we went to the doctor and although I try to keep it hidden (because unless we're talking about pregnant women I don't want to be treated as a nurse, I need things properly explained just like everybody else when they're outside my area of expertise) my nursiness was showing. I think I asked about doing something "prn" (as needed) or something. Anyway, the doctor was very receptive and helpful and prescribed Zantac for her, just to see if it helped.

It's been about 2 weeks and I am going to say that so far the Zantac has been an absolute miracle. I was worried that this was just plain old colic and that there was nothing that would help except waiting it out, but the Zantac seems to be a cure. She still has fussy periods in the evening but they are much shorter and less intense, and if we give her the Zantac it seems to nip the fussy times in the bud. She's not spitting up as much and is my easy, happy baby again. I'm so happy and relieved.

Things you shouldn't say to a mother of Lots of Kids.

When I was pregnant with Kid3, I realized that in the eyes of many, 3 kids is a Big Family. I am one of three and never particularly considered a family of 5 to be Big. Even now, with 4 kids, I don't consider our family absurdly large. I have a large number of friends with families much larger than my own! However, as I start to venture out more often with all 4 kids in tow, I am quickly realizing that 4 children equal up to one big shock for a lot of people out there.  Kid4 is only 2 months old, and already I'm accumulating quite the "treasure trove" of experiences with people who, for some reason, think that the number of kids I have is up for discussion and ridicule.

So, just in case anyone wondered, here are some things NOT to say to a mother with more kids than you, yourself, would prefer to have. (and, what I wish I could say in response if only those darn manners did not get in the way.)

1. Gosh, you sure have your hands full!
This is the one I hear the most, and it's a comment that can be okay - even a compliment. It depends on the context.  Said in an admiring tone or with a smile, I like this. However, when I've accidentally closed the car door on Kid3's hand, so he's screaming in my arms, and Kid4 is screaming in her sling because Kid3 is loud, and Kid2 and Kid1 are standing patiently and miserably in the wind in a parking lot, that is NOT the time to smirk at me and comment in a nasty tone about how full my hands are.  Yes. Yes they are. Either offer some encouragement, or keep your comments to yourself. Otherwise you end up looking like just a little bit of a jerk.

(On a good day, my answer is "better full than empty!")

2. Don't you know what causes that?
I do, in fact, know what causes that.  Do you really think I've managed to have 4 children and not figure it out? I think this is such a rude thing to say and such a horrible way to simultaneously question my intelligence and express your disapproval of my family size. I find it so offensive that I think I'm going to start explaining it to people who ask this. "You mean you don't? Well, you see, when two people love each other very much ...."

 3. Are they ALL yours?
Yes. They are ALL mine.  All four of them.  Except two. Two of them followed me home and stay because we feed them. But I forget which two. You know, because four is SO many to keep track of.

4. You aren't going to have MORE, are you?!
I'm not planning on it.  I always wanted 4 kids and that's what I've got, so I am pretty darn sure our family is complete. But if we happen to have another, I don't see how that's such a bad thing. I happen to believe a baby is a blessing.

5. I would NEVER want that many kids!
That's great. Which one(s) shouldn't I have had? I think they're all pretty awesome, personally.

And my favorite:

6. Better you than me!
You know what, I agree. I'm really glad you don't have 4 children.

Things Kids Say.

Kid2 was working on cleaning his room.  He had his door closed.  Kid3 just slammed open the door, stomped into the room, and scolded Kid2.  "Kid2, stop cweaning the woom and pway wif Kid3!" He yelled. 

I gave Kid2 permission to stop cleaning and play with his little brother instead. How could I resist?

To garden or not to garden

...That is the question on my mind this week.

It seems (and I realized I'm jinxing things here) that we may be getting an early spring this year, after a very mild winter.  And so, I'm starting to think about gardening.

We bought our house four years ago. The first year I did nothing in the back yard, but the 2nd year I decided to plant a small garden - I've never considered myself to have a particularly green thumb, but I love tomatoes warm and fresh from the garden, so I gave it a go.  And, it turns out, I LOVED gardening. My tomatoes, zucchini, and jalapenos grew like weeds, and I had a great time in my little garden.

Last year I planned and planted a much more ambitious garden, but a late freeze followed by a horrible dry spell meant that not much grew, and it was a little frustrating so I spent most of the fall and winter thinking about how to lay my garden out better, considered raised beds to help keep things growing, and strategized what and where to plant.

However.

I have a new baby.

When we added Kid1 to our family, the transition was honestly not nearly the challenge I had been told to expect.  As it turns out that was because she was just a ridiculously easy baby, but of course like any woman with OEB (one easy baby) syndrome I thought it was my wonderful skill as a mother and knew adding Kid2 would be just as easy as Kid1.

Kid2 knocked me flat to the ground down a few pegs. He was NOT an easy baby and Kid1 was not an easy toddler. It wasn't three times as hard to have two kids, as I had been told, it was so much more than that.

Kid3 was another huge transition but I assumed that it was because Kid1 and Kid2 were firmly out of the "baby" stage. And because he has no fear.

So I assumed, and joked with friends, that adding another baby to our family after we already had 3 was really just going to be a matter of "adding to the chaos." And it is, but it isn't.  I know she's my fourth baby but I am woefully out of practice managing two SMALL children together, and in some ways I feel like I'm right back in the early days of learning to juggle two kids again.

So I'm wondering if I should even bother with a real garden this year, or if perhaps I should do a couple of small containers with my favorites (tomatoes and zucchini) and save the big ambitious garden plan for next year.

I don't really want to do so, but a very wise friend told me recently that when she had her 4th baby, she felt stressed and overwhelmed until a lightbulb went off at about  6 weeks, that she just plain couldn't do everything she'd done with only 3 children and she had to let some things go until her 4th baby was a little older.  Well, Kid4 is almost 7 weeks old, and a lightbulb is going off.  Maybe this year isn't the year for a big ambitious garden.

But boy, will I miss the nice big planned assortment of home-grown veggies this year!

Compromise.

Kid1 and Kid2 are learning about early US history and the formation and structure of the US government for school right now. One of the lessons they are doing discusses how (theoretically) congress, the senate, and the president must compromise to make laws and run the country. One of the questions asked is "Have you ever made a compromise with someone?"

Kid1, stubborn kid that she is, answered that question with a very simple, straightforward, and honest "No."

I had to laugh and when she asked why, I explained it to her and she chuckled and said "well I don't remember ever compromising with anybody!" Of course, I just laughed harder.

Points for honesty.  She's such an awesome kid, but she definitely is not lacking when it comes to being stubborn.

Stuffed Cookies.

Kid1 had a party for Girl Scouts this week and asked me to make cookies. I had some hershey's hugs and kisses in the house and figured I'd try hugs-stuffed chocolate chip cookies.

I was expecting a much smaller version of this crazy cookie from picky-palate.com and with the hugs, that's pretty much what I got. The girls in Kid1's girl scout troop were thrilled and devoured the cookies.

The kisses, however, were a different story.  I used caramel-filled Hershey's kisses, and while they were baking the caramel oozed out of the chocolate shell and pretty much throughout the entire cookie. We were left with chewy, delicious, caramel-y chocolate chip cookies.  They were amazing. Possibly the best cookies I've ever made!

I'm going to have to stash a bag or two of the caramel kisses in the house, for whenever I make cookies again. Yum!

Wonderful.

"To love what you do and feel that it matters -- how could anything be more fun?"- Katharine Graham

Princess

One of the downsides of having a baby girl in the middle of winter is that she doesn't have as many opportunities to wear cute girlie dresses.  But, I had some hand-me-down dresses from my oldest daughter, and I realized that I better dress Kid4 in one of them if she was ever going to wear it - she is growing like a weed!  Kid3 was watching, and when he saw that she was wearing a dress he gasped and said "you made the baby a princess!"  Super cute.

Lucky.

I'm not going to write much about my job here. My for-actual-money job, not my most-important-ever job. I love my job. I feel so blessed and thrilled that I get to be a labor and delivery nurse. I mean, seriously. I get paid to help women give birth. It's just a little bit awesome. It's also really important to me to respect my patients' privacy, and as much as I'd love to share the details of every birth, it's not really appropriate. Plus, I'm slowly learning to leave work at work - when my job is good, it's darn near perfect, but when it's bad it's really heartbreaking.

So anyway. Not much about my job.

But I will say this, I am so lucky to have the great coworkers I do.  I had to drop something off for my boss today so I took Kid4 in with me to visit. Everyone gushed about how gorgeous she is (makes a mama proud) and took turns holding her. Because they are all nurses, they all washed their hands before touching her (makes a mama very happy) without me having to say one word.  And because they are all labor and delivery nurses, everyone congratulated me on my awesome birth, cheered for me that Kid4 was born with no pain medication, praised me for breastfeeding so well that she's such a satisfied little chunky monkey, and in general just lifted me up in every way.  I love that I work with such wonderful, supportive people.  I really do.