Doing it all

This is my second week back to work, and we're still definitely getting into the swing of things.  The laundry has piled up a little and we're not seeing our friends as often as I would like, but things are okay.

My first week back, I worked nights.  I've been working nights for more than 3 years and for a really long time, swore I'd never work day shift.  A while back, though, I realized I wasn't sleeping well at all and decided to request to transfer to days after all.  I expected to transfer as soon as I came back from maternity leave but because of a staffing shortage I needed to work one last week of night shift when I came back.

I can't believe how tired I was. How crabby and exhausted.  I felt physically ill when I came home from my first night shift, and even worse after sleeping about 6 hours during the day.  I felt groggy and achy and nauseated and just truly sick. I must have felt the same way after all my night shifts before I went on maternity leave, too, but it wasn't such an abrupt change then and so I just didn't realize how truly awful I felt.

It was a huge relief to move to day shift this week.  It's harder in some ways - the unit is much busier during the day, no question! It's harder to be away from Kid4 knowing that she's not just sleeping, she's awake and playing and being adorable.  It's harder to be away from Kid3, too, and he's having a rough time with the adjustment.  Kid2 and Kid1, honestly, are just plain happy. They know that when I was so exhausted I didn't have as much patience with them, and saw the difference once I was getting enough sleep, so they're just happy that I'm working a normal schedule now and have more energy and more patience - which means more fun for them! - on my days off.

It's definitely a change, and it will take some getting used to, but I think it's a good change.

Back to reality.

I have one week left of maternity leave before I head back to work. This is the hardest part, honestly - the anticipation of -gasp- leaving my baby!! I know she'll be fine. She'll be home with Daddy! I actually think it's very, very good and healthy for my children to spend so much time with Daddy - it makes it very clear to them that fathers are just as able (and just as responsible) to care for their kids as mothers are. I like to think that maybe our house work and other work juggling sets a good example for our kids, that marriage is a partnership and that raising kids, having a job/career, cooking dinner, and playing at the park are not solely the realm of either Mom or Dad but can be done by both, or shared.

Anyway, stepping off my soapbox.  I'm nervous about heading back to work, for no particular reason and for lots of reasons. I've done it before, but that was night shift - and I'll be working days now. I think it will actually make my life hugely better to be working days, but it feels like more time away from the kids (it isn't, actually, if anything it's less because I won't feel like I need to spend every spare second trying to catch up on sleep) and is intimidating in a rather general sense.  It's sort of like starting a new job - I know all the people, I know my way around the unit and I know what I'm doing, but it's a matter of getting used to the "flow" of the shift and of the unit, which of course will be different during the day than it is at night.

I'm just feeling a little sad that my leave - and time in general - are going so fast. It seems like every year passes faster than the one before. I know that things just get more and more fun and wonderful with my kids, and I know that I would not be happy as a stay-home mom long-term (I did it and was miserable!), and I know that my children are happy and lucky to be at home with Daddy when I'm at work, and I know that Kid4 will be just fine.  She's just SO little, and I think the bottom line is that going back to work means I have to share her more, and I'm not quite ready yet.

Lucky.

I'm not going to write much about my job here. My for-actual-money job, not my most-important-ever job. I love my job. I feel so blessed and thrilled that I get to be a labor and delivery nurse. I mean, seriously. I get paid to help women give birth. It's just a little bit awesome. It's also really important to me to respect my patients' privacy, and as much as I'd love to share the details of every birth, it's not really appropriate. Plus, I'm slowly learning to leave work at work - when my job is good, it's darn near perfect, but when it's bad it's really heartbreaking.

So anyway. Not much about my job.

But I will say this, I am so lucky to have the great coworkers I do.  I had to drop something off for my boss today so I took Kid4 in with me to visit. Everyone gushed about how gorgeous she is (makes a mama proud) and took turns holding her. Because they are all nurses, they all washed their hands before touching her (makes a mama very happy) without me having to say one word.  And because they are all labor and delivery nurses, everyone congratulated me on my awesome birth, cheered for me that Kid4 was born with no pain medication, praised me for breastfeeding so well that she's such a satisfied little chunky monkey, and in general just lifted me up in every way.  I love that I work with such wonderful, supportive people.  I really do.